If I am.

If I were more attractive,

the smiles I attract and

the exchanges she engaged would be

colored by, 'why?'

and my boldness in openness

and open arms long held hugs

would confuse the loneliness in her, or him

instead of a moments repose and a deep healing breath

in arms that just want to hold for love's sake

or a sharing of the true heart, not

flooded by the hunger of animals.

If I were smarter,

I would be lonely.

If I were stronger,

I'd like to be stronger,

but I fear the too-welcome shadow that waits to tell

'who cares about your best?'

'tell me... no one.'

'be better than him, or him, be better than'

'and take care he sees'

there is a gift in the unfantastic.

one less fight.

If I were funnier,

I'd trade the moments where

soil was prime to turn and till

for applause and rich laughter

that grows nothing except

more invitations to dinner.

If I had a girl friend,

I do not know.

Both miracles and chaos.

I say impossible. how weak.

If I was married,

my history could not

have been what it was

and I would not be what I am

and what I am may prove to be important

or not

but I am not married.

though whoever that person is, listen:

I do not know.

If my family was perfect,

I have not met one.

And the pain I have experienced is not unlike others,

the fracture of form is clear,

but the love and honesty is rich and budding,

and my pain is the same as your pain.

If I were more determined,

If I saw the truth clearer,

If I saw without these frames,

I would love more,

draw more,

write more,

seek more,

talk less,

talk more,

hold more,

carry less,

think less,

reflect more,

and gasp, and die, and

dust is dust

and rest.