Sunday, August 2, 2009

If I am.

If I were more attractive,
the smiles I attract and
the exchanges she engaged would be
colored by, 'why?'
and my boldness in openness
and open arms long held hugs
would confuse the loneliness in her, or him
instead of a moments repose and a deep healing breath
in arms that just want to hold for love's sake
or a sharing of the true heart, not
flooded by the hunger of animals.

If I were smarter,
I would be lonely.

If I were stronger,
I'd like to be stronger,
but I fear the too-welcome shadow that waits to tell
'who cares about your best?'
'tell me... no one.'
'be better than him, or him, be better than'
'and take care he sees'
there is a gift in the unfantastic.
one less fight.

If I were funnier,
I'd trade the moments where
soil was prime to turn and till
for applause and rich laughter
that grows nothing except
more invitations to dinner.

If I had a girl friend,
I do not know.
Both miracles and chaos.
I say impossible. how weak.

If I was married,
my history could not
have been what it was
and I would not be what I am
and what I am may prove to be important
or not
but I am not married.
though whoever that person is, listen:
I do not know.

If my family was perfect,
I have not met one.
And the pain I have experienced is not unlike others,
the fracture of form is clear,
but the love and honesty is rich and budding,
and my pain is the same as your pain.

If I were more determined,
If I saw the truth clearer,
If I saw without these frames,
I would love more,
draw more,
write more,
seek more,
talk less,
talk more,
hold more,
carry less,
think less,
reflect more,
and gasp, and die, and
dust is dust
and rest.

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